Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
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If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Turning regret into ulcers since 1996
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”