Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore

I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate

let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼

Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings

Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.

announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!

audience member: you mean eligible?

announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]

little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you

What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?

Payday

*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”

[At my funeral]

Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.

Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.

Hub: Let’s go see a movie

Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*

H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.

Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?

(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)

Me: I have shin splints

Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.

They’re really bad with fonts.

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.

Got the results of my history exam.

Past.

ㅤ

They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.

feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening