Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
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There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
life lately
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*