me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
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My daughter is in China and sends me photos of mis-translations. This is my new favourite.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
I left some avocado toast out on the front porch and in the morning I’d caught three millennials. Paid off their student loans and released them back into the wild. Good kids.
Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live longer.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
*passing a kidney stone*
Kidney stone: “Jeez I’m going the speed limit.”