Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
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Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
How I’d get arrested…
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.