@DarkerWillow

Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

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@PrestoVision

ghost: boooooOoo

me: you better stop

ghost: what are you doing

me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother

ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo

@richardosman

My daughter is in China and sends me photos of mis-translations. This is my new favourite.

@_SingleBabyMama

So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!

@markhoppus

I left some avocado toast out on the front porch and in the morning I’d caught three millennials. Paid off their student loans and released them back into the wild. Good kids.

@KattsDogma

Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™

@mattZillaaaa

I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space

@Lisabug74

[at roller rink]

My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.

@OstracizedOstri

*passing a kidney stone*

Kidney stone: “Jeez I’m going the speed limit.”