Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply![]()
You Might Also Like
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
The devil.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
![]()
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”