Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
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That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
All right then, keep your secrets
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.