Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
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i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Do not levitate over flowers
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”