Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
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I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*