ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
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Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Worst bar ever.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them