OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
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Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”