OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
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I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
