Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
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Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
Me: “Dear God…just leave me here. Bury me right here, or charter a crane to lift me home. I can’t move. My pants. Sweet Angel of Merciful Death, I am ready.”
*Pies are brought to the table.*
Me: “We have Cool Whip or something to go with this orrr…?”
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples: