Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: I’m a vegan.

Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.

Cat Burglar (noun)

: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice

🐈‍⬛😂🖤

Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year

The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!

Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!

[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please

[me as a drug dealer]

Me: wanna buy some acid?

Guys: yeah, whaddya got?

Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic

Guys: (stab me repeatedly)

[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?

Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver

*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be

*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return

Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.

You an Obituary liar.

That means you DEAD@$$ lying

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.

The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.

Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED

I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18

Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.

PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET

I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…

Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.

his wife is probably gonna see that

*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*

Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be

Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?

Asking for a friend.

* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.

*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*

“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out

banker: you’re spending more than you bring in

me: god forbid i’m good at something