Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
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Autocorrect completely socks
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I missed you with all my darts
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.