[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
You Might Also Like
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
4-yr-old son gave smartest answer ever to “How do you know if something is art?” “People tell you.”
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Everything beeps and blinks.
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
You’re right, sir. It’s MY fault that your credit card was declined. Please, tell me again how much money you have in that account.
girlfriend: we agreed to get japanese character tattoos
girlfriend: so I got the kanji for love
me: also correct
girlfriend: and you got…
me: *lifting shirt to reveal full chest tattoo* pikachu