Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son


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[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.


13: so dad, I was thinking.

Me: about what, son?

13: I’m taller than you…

Me: yeah, and?

13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.


4-yr-old son gave smartest answer ever to “How do you know if something is art?” “People tell you.”


“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.


SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?


To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.


Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.


You’re right, sir. It’s MY fault that your credit card was declined. Please, tell me again how much money you have in that account.


girlfriend: we agreed to get japanese character tattoos

me: right

girlfriend: so I got the kanji for love

me: also correct

girlfriend: and you got…

me: *lifting shirt to reveal full chest tattoo* pikachu