Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
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Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Bootstraps
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.