@missusmelis

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

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@david8hughes

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

@CrockettForReal

13: so dad, I was thinking.

Me: about what, son?

13: I’m taller than you…

Me: yeah, and?

13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.

@thejoelstein

4-yr-old son gave smartest answer ever to “How do you know if something is art?” “People tell you.”

@thatcarlygirl

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

@bestestname

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

@PatsATweetin

To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.

@TheWeirdWorld

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.

@DWaitress

You’re right, sir. It’s MY fault that your credit card was declined. Please, tell me again how much money you have in that account.

@TheAndrewNadeau

girlfriend: we agreed to get japanese character tattoos

me: right

girlfriend: so I got the kanji for love

me: also correct

girlfriend: and you got…

me: *lifting shirt to reveal full chest tattoo* pikachu