*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
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My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
*Arrives to save damsel in distress*
Me: “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your–”
Rapunzel: “I have a boyfriend.”
Dragon flying by: “BURN!!”
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
Jobs: You Need To Have Your BA
Jobs: you need 5yrs experience
Jobs: You need a MA
Jobs: we need some1 young