Ok in hindsight “bite me” was a terrible safe word choice
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Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Seems legit.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Thaw me like one of your french fries
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!