Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
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CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
“We ride at dawn”
Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath
this site is so cooked lol
son: *counts to ten*
wife: good job
me: (smugly) eleven
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
