Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
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My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
never stops being funny
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.