Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on

Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.

the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road

I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”

Doctor: how did you hurt your back?

Me: well, I was lying in bed …

Doctor: and?

Me: that’s it

*E=mcHammer

*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched

[dollar store orientation]

trainer: and how much does this cost?

me: um, a dollar?

trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day

“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics

It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?

Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.

DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER

me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up

wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs

Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?

Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.

After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”

I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

And that about sums it up.

Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?

Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.

Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.

Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.

How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.

If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.

Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0