Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*showing friend my new place*

Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?

New menu item

It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.

6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”

Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”

6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”

No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.

Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.

Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight

Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one

Me: I’ve never been prouder of you

*died in your arms tonight*

*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*

*buried in the woods the day after that*

Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it

[Eating canned soup]

OMG I love sodium.

I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.

How long do you have to wait between naps?

satan: welcome to hell

me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?

s: yup all you can read!

m: wow!

s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?

me, nervously: yes..why?

*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*

m: aw hell

Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.

🤣

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

I SAID: How’s vacation going?

MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.

In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.

I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.

I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.

What’s your guide about?

Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!

Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.

Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆

#wildemount #critters #dnd

Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.

BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist

I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.