Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
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Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
We’ve all been there…
Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?