Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
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If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
“Please be normal”
“Nope”
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I want to meet the individual who made this
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
who will stop them
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.