Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
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“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?