Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
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My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ
General: We need aerial support now!
Captain: *confused* I’m glad she had a happy ending, she deserved more than the ocean could give her sir!
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.