ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
You Might Also Like
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.