Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro

There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”

My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.

The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up

Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.

Me: When can you operate?

*lighting a candle*

Doctor: When we find you a new liver.

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think

*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”

Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.

Him: Is this a sex thing?

Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.

I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.

him: hey have you ever seen house

her: house?

him: yeah like doctor house

me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital

my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no

Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.

Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.