ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
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One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny