Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about

“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”

~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.

Friend- “You’re drunk.”

Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”

Friend- “Stop.”

Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.

Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences

Judge: No

Seek kebab; not attention

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.

Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!

*2 hours later*

Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?

Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE

Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂

HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?

Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way

When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph

Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.

where do you see yourself in five years?

A McRib killed my tapeworm.

A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves

Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.

When my wife says “Guess what today is.”

in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs

At urgent care with my 8yo

Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.

😆

(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.