Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions

2023 was just a warmup

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

[creating seahorses]

God: give em little horsey faces

Angel: aww cute

God: fish lookin bodies

Angel: ok…wait, really?

God: curly-cue tails lol

Angel: this is confusing

God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch

Angel:

God: POP

gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone

me: don’t worry I only breathe air

Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.

Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

[1st day working at bank]

BOSS: What are you doing??

ME: I gave that man a personal loan.

BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR

I highly recommend anything.

– Stoners.

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.

“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.

Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years

*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him

Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.

i love meeting boys on tinder

You’re doing a great job looking at your phone

Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus

Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.