ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
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I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
We need it on priority
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep