Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
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CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I only treason on days ending in y
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.