Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
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New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Important reminders
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Botany good plants lately?