Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.

KID911: wats ur emergency

SON: sister is staring at me

KID911: did you tell her to stop

SON: yes! she isnt even blinking

KID911: omg ok take a deep breath

KID911: now scream for mom

Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.

🍂🕷️🍂

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck

Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.

we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy

This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.

*first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak

I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet

this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid

bigfoot

the abominable snowman

chupacabras

the loch ness monster

a unicorn

mermaids

restful sleep

dragons

a super walmart

werewolves

happiness

cyclops

a 2,000 calorie diet

santa claus

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope

Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”

you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.

1977: stayin’ alive

2020: stayin’ alive

There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.

My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor