ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
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gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Hey i am sexy to you now
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it