Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod

No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled

My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*

Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.

You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.

My dog and I have the same schedule:

6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today

Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken

Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.

If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.

been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.

why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines

CW: I think you’re two-faced

Me: Why don’t you say that to my face

CW: I just did!

Me: No. My other face.

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: Us.

Wife:

Me: You’re leaving us.

Wife:

Me: Also, why?

Wife: *Sigh*

Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.