Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when u get so high u forget u ordered food

One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”

my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor

fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”

Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?

Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving

Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.

Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?

Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.

Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?

Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door

I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator

The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan

Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…

Therapist: Is this true?

Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.

Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–

Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!

Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.

Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!

Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.

my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?

Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.

I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex

And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double

It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.

Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.

The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying

[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets

My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.