“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
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*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
😭😭😭
i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.