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Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
This could be us… but you playing
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I am not a strong enough person to listen to my parents eat cereal
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him