ok like just. call me at this point
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He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”