Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
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Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.
Cop lights are so pretty at night
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Holy crap this is wonderful
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!