Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.

I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.

the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE

No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness

Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding

tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.

A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.

My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person

Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.

ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day

FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?

ME: no, I just had the one

You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan

I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run

Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis

Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???

I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”

I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.

Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong

November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain

[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.

[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.

[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*

Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas

You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance

Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her

I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.