“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
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Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
The Joker was right
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters