Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life

when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good

Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

me: i wanna see how high this cliff is

Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead

me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air

Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-

me: what

Charles Darwin:

me: that could what Charles

MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH

Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.

Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.

I gave a co-worker my word today …

And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.

Date: wanna get out of here?

Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti

If your girl is always telling you, ‘Terrain! Terrain! Pull up!’ That’s not your girl. That’s the ground proximity warning system.

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.

turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.

Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.

A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos

Staring out into the horizon..

Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic

[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]

Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da

It’s his time

[talent show audition]

Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night

Judge: whose lips are those?

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?

Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:

The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.