Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.

5yo: We should get her two gifts

Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.

5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.

The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”

Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”

Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying

even bears disappoint their mothers

I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.

I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.

You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.

Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.

Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage

I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.

If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.

therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin

her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.

I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day

Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.

Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice

when you tell me to do something I was already about to do

4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.