Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.

Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.

Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”

[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?

Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.

Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM

Obama: Please just wave.

Biden:

me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂

me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA

Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm

Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?

Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH

“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old

centaur: I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

[helping kid w/math]

What is 0.1 as a fraction?

“One tenth?”

Good, now what does 10% mean?

“Battery low, plug in your phone?”

Perfect

It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.

receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days

This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.

Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?

Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.

Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”

-Me, breaking up a cat fight.