Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Would it be possible to visit this cool ranch where the Doritos are being packaged? I just want to make sure they’re being treated well

“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel

[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”

I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people

My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?

If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?

Yoga pants.

Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.

I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family

Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs

Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.

SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t

WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?

ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

Brain: that was a good cookie

Body: here’s 4 pounds

Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store