Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.

“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”

GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.

We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.

My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast

[Next morning, after I make pancakes]

My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.

HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes

“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.

*internal alarm…awakens at 6am

*presses nose

*sleeps 9 more minutes

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?

Me: You mean like the band?

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019

Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.

We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.

But I’m the one that needs meds?

[Interview]

Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?

Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!

According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.

A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.

In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush

[guy who’s about to invent politics]

*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

*Wife screams*

“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”

*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*

“It’s his house now”