Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
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SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]１９.９８
[very gently]
１９.９９
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]３７.８３
GODDAMMIT
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.