Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
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my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.