ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
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I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
The best plant holders?
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
I cannot call her anything else now
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?