Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
You Might Also Like
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Effort made
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Revenge served cold
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2