Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
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detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.