Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
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My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching