Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.

I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.

Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.

lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥

With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.

i was made for a simpler time. when people made their own clothes. and politely died of syphilis.

What kind of rifle do comedians use?

JK47’s.

Shoot me.

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again

[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there

On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…

A cold that will last all week

Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.

When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭

{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?

Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?

I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.

I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.

Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead

I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…

[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed

Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?

Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment

In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.