Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?

The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too

My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.

Spoiler Alert: I was late

Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

Soft pretzels come one of two ways:

– no salt

– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm

My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.

A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.

Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.

governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert

One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi

No you didn’t, 9 year old lol

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish

Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad

I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.

if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover

doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]

Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?

Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.

Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?

They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.