Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The horror:

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.

*octopus goes in for a palm reading*

Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”

WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?

Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

Morning my dudes.

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

i’m a 10 (tion deficit)

You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.

i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more

Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU

*shakes buy one get one free coupon*

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim

WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job

Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.

Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!

Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.

[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt

[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts

The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.

Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.

Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025

Conversations get real after midnight.

11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”

12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”

A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.

Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.

*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on

“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”

That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.