Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
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Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark