Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
You Might Also Like
WTF
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
This will teach them to underestimate me
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER