Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
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although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form