Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?

Batman: Sidekick

Robin: Close enough

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:

Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.

[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]

I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.

I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.

I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.

Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”

Me: *buys anything at the store*

Wife: Was it on sale?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use a coupon?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use your discount card?

Me: Oops.

Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

Friend: What’s it like having kids?

Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*

Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.

[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate

[first day in prison]

Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.

4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money

I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes I see that now

Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.

It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.

Tide Pods need a little seasoning?

Sprinkle some bath salts on top.

My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers

“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*

At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police

SON: I need lunch money.

DAD: Get a job.

SON: I’m in 5th grade-

DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*

The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.

*Day 9 of quarantine*

Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?