Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
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If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.