OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
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Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.