OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
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The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday