Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seductively rubs salt in your wound.

I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.

If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.

I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot

It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!

I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.

[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.

Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.

Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!

Me:

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair

Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?

Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker

wife: what’d you do today

me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese

ME: *puts my hair in a bun*

WAITER: gross

Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:

– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch

Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative

babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it