Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
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I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Awesome parenting 😂
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”