Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.

Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry

[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*

“This is just ridiculous”

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”

I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.

I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark

“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”

“HR? You don’t have a job.”

“Tell them that.”

I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.

(1st day in heaven)

Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators

pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there

me: how was school?

son: i got in trouble today

me: what for?

son: kung fu fighting

me: wow I’m so disappointed

son: but everybody was doing it

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*

Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor

Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?

Me: Yes, I do.

Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?

Me: I’m not sure.

Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!

3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed

Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled

Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team

If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.

Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.

I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night

ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.

PARAMEDICS: …

6: I’m done.

Me: you didn’t even touch your food!

6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*

The Sass is strong with this one

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.