Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]

Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!

Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope

When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot

PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.

COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone

TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?

me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.

It is my birthday. 🥳

If you’re American, please vote

If you’re not American, marry me

I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.

[job interview]

How would you improve our business?

“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.

to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂

to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂

[entering the office]

Coworker: How are you?

Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.

Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?

Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.

When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.

She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

Son: “I hurt my foot”

Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”

Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”

Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”

Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look

If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

A wise man once told me,

“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u