Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess
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Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.